If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. a truly horrible driver. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. lets_be_honest I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. Absolutely. July 2, 2013, 12:45 pm. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. But how are they supposed to co-parent and guide this young girl into being a productive young woman if the LW is only addressing her own behavior and attitudes? Plus, I like Rick Castle. And he doesnt have to hide that. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. I mean ever. My mom is super-duper awesome. I would just like to briefly brag about my dad and how were going to this awesome music festival together this summer!!! How easy it must be to cultivate a close relationship and enjoy time together when you both like the same stuff! His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. I know I did. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? BtVS not mature and intelligent? But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. Ask Erin: I'm Exhausted By My Daughter's Depression | Ravishly Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. This is actually not difficult. Um, not so much. Look, I had a great relationship with my dad. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. A lot of painful disappointments in life. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Amazing job today! A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. WWS. Here are 16 ways husbands can unintentionally push their daughters away: It can be difficult to maintain a good relationship between your husband and your daughter, but there are a few things you can do to help. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. Our differences are what make people interesting. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. I think she may have deactivated. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. We all died laughing. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. I hated sitting through long sports games. Nip . We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away Exactly! Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). This is exactly my experience, too. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. (Which is fine, I guess. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. , temperance Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. To care for our two young kids. Heck no! Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. My brother did not. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Um, no. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. My husband is driving me crazy over my daughters wedding These dreams can also give you advice about what you need to do to steer your life in the direction you would like it to go. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. I agree weddings can be stupid . (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Seriously? Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. This sounds a lot like my childhood! I think dad is being a bully. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Im still mad at my parents for allowing me to grow up without listening to Led Zeppelin. Totally agree on the respect issue. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. You always give good advice (duh!) I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Im going to disagree here, Wendy, and say that I think your response is filtered through your own happy, loving experience. Your email address will not be published. But you know what. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. Are any of these familiar to you? Terms & Conditions . So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! There are many things I love about my husband. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. Settlers of Catan! The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! July 2, 2013, 4:37 pm. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. Ostensibly through her mother. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. Thats unfortunate (to say the least! I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Forget it. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. So, here is the thing. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. 2. He is honest, reliable, and sincere. Your days of Tigerbeat should be long tempered by now. My comment obviously wasnt clear. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. If the issue is raised during a child custody . sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. 23 Signs Your Partner Is Mentally Abusive - Bustle Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Intimate partners count on each other to maintain a sane interaction. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. Addie Pray going to museums? I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating.

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